Baby Girl

As I was editing layout photos today something dawned on me.... my baby girl is a total and complete tomboy in SO many ways, but when it comes to scrapping her 8 times out of 10 I will use the girliest products I have. Probably because she is the only chance I have to use these lovely things (since I still rarely scrap about me, and I'm not all that girly either.) 

Does it sort of misrepresent her a bit? I guess so, in a way. But you know what, if I can't dress her up in sparkles and tutus and do her hair all cute each day day then at least I can have some fun with layouts... when you have 3 boys and 1 girl I think the tendency is to want to go over the pinkalicious top.. I try, but scrapping is the only time I can get away with it. She doesn't seem to mind too much... I just asked her if she thought she looked pretty on this page and she said, "no way Mom, I'm not pretty, I look cool!" --Obviously. ;)

This also gives me an excuse to do cool stuff like make these triple layer butterflies... what do you think? Two punches of patterned paper layered under one of punched vellum. Soooo much girly fun!

What a Couple of Hot Dogs

Happy belated Halloween. We had a few Halloweenies running around prompting giggles and, "Oh cute, it's a hot dog family!"-s out of the neighborhood. Trick or Treating was on Friday here, which was a day late and felt really weird.. but the kids filled their candy bags to the brim, and the weather was amazing so they didn't seem to mind one bit. They had a blast being the talk of the town...

I'll admit that when Ev declared she wanted to be a hock dog like her brother I was a tad bit disappointed.... really? you don't want to be some kind of princess or something slathered in glitter?... but that's just not her. This suits her much better, and she made one adorable dog.... especially after I spruced up her costume by adding 3d jelly (what she calls mustard) and some relish pieces... it made her look more like her brothers and apparently that was the goal this year....

Nakiah wanting to be a hot dog came as no surprise. He is not too cool to look silly or dance around and make people laugh. He's fun like that, I love that about him... and even better was the part where he didn't mind his siblings highjacking his costume idea. As long as Fritz could be one too Nakiah was good with it... "I look delicious!"...

Fritz didn't love the whole costume idea. I think he felt it was unfair we didn't allow him to chew his dog to bit and pieces. Cannibal.... 

Dez sat calmly and quietly in the stroller the whole time under his costume which actually doubled perfectly as a fluffy blanket. Winning! He definitely received the most compliments.... (Don't tell anyone, but I think he was the cutest hot dog that night.)

Now what to do with all of this candy........

In the Mood

I'm in the moooooood (said like a ghost) to spooooooooook. hu-huhuhuhuh (evil laugh). Too bad the weather isn't going to cooperate! Last year we almost froze our sparkle shoes right off, this year there is supposed to be crazy storms and tornado watches. So unless we feel like going to Halloween as Dorothy we should stay indoors. Apparently terrible weather for the 31st is no new news here... the city decides when you are "allowed" to trick or treat and there's a chance they are going to postpone it until Friday. Postpone Halloween? Kinda feels like calling off Christmas... I mean, how weird is that?! ---Maybe it's not so weird in some cities, but this SoCal family wants it's candy.. I mean, er, the kids just wanna have fu-un. ehhhhhheheheheheheh (evil witch cackle). My fingers hurt from sprucing up a costume I ordered in the mail that Ev deemed too, "lame," today --and now it's, "coooool."So either way we are ready to get our treats.

And here's a Halloween layout...

I'm also in the mood to eat an entire tray of my famous caramel apple dip. Mmmm.

The End

Feeling Lucky

Hello, my name is Lucky Harms, and I am addicted to roller derby...

This past Saturday I was given a chance to skate during evaluations. I had to pass the skills test at 100% in order to qualify to move up to scrimmage status. I will never forget this day. I was doing my laps (we have to do 27 in under 5 minutes) and I just couldn't get my act together. There was no good reason for it, I had completed this successfully a few times before. I felt strong. I had been prepping and visualizing and eating well. Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of great excuses for struggling... my left skate felt extra slippery (I swear every time I put my skates on they feel different).. the track was slick because it had been cleaned.. it was super cold in our warehouse.... I wasn't warmed up enough.. I was with a bunch of fresh meat... blah blah blah. Excuses.

What really happened was I couldn't get out of my head. Even though I had told myself I could do it I had this doubt in the back of my mind... the timed laps were the only element I was unsure of. So when I skidded out early on I thought, oh shoot, that's not good. I tried to laugh it off and calm down. Then I fell again.... uh oh, time to get my act together, I thought. Then again. NOOO! I thought, this can't be happening! I HAVE to do this!!! Then I slid totally out of bounds and I knew it couldn't be done. I had eaten too much time... but I kept going anyway hoping I could settle into the stride and speed up enough to make up the difference. Time to stop screwing around... everyone was shouting, "come on Lucky, calm down! you got this! focus!" ... I could barely breath, asthma kicked in, panic struck, doubt took over. What if I don't make it? I want to scrimmage SO bad before our move!

When the time was called I fell down to my knees, screamed one very simple obscenity, and spiked my helmet in anger. Five minutes were up and I had only competed 25 laps. I bawled into my hands.... I felt embarrassed... for not being able to pull myself together enough to finish in time.. and for behaving like a child afterward.

Not a great way to start the evaluation day.

Luckily for me I have some amazingly supportive teammates, who are more like family at this point. One of them came over to me and explained that, yes that really sucked, and it was not supposed to play out like that, but it's not the time to dwell on it... she told me to pick myself up and murder the rest of the test so that I would leave no doubt in anyones mind I AM scrimmage ready... "We all know you can do this, Luck. Now go do it."

I thought my chances for scrimmage may be dashed, but that doesn't mean that I can't make myself proud during the rest of the day. So I shake it off, calm down, and do everything to 100% capacity. I leave no doubt.

When all of that is done I decide it's now or never.... I will be leaving this team in no time, I have to ask if I can do the laps again, even though I'm not sure my body will cooperate. I don't make excuses for the first round, I just simply ask for another chance. This is an unorthodox request... typically when doing these tests you get one shot.... they talk it over as a committee and tell me yes, but I have to do them now.

Ok. This is it. There was no way I was going to leave without trying a second time. I have to do this. But will my body let me? At this point my breathing is questionable.. I haven't quite figured out how to manage my sports asthma yet... and I have been skating hard for three solid hours. I'm exhausted.

I decide that none of that matters. I have to try.....

So I stepped up to the line and told myself, you got this.... then I start skating and quickly realize I had nothing.... I mean, my tank was empty (and I have to mention I am a pretty decent judge of my endurance level... having run a full and several half marathons). Every single crossover was painful, every breath a strain.... but I was moving forward, the laps were ticking off... and I wasn't stumbling anymore. I am not a quitter. Leave it on the track.

My teammates began to scream, "hurry up, Lucky! You have to move faster! You're so close but you have to pick up the pace!" I thought, really?! I'm not gonna make it again?! There is just no way I can move any faster! I tell myself to refocus... but I really wanted to start crying.... could I handle two failures like this in the same day? Why am I doing this again? This is crazy! Impossible! I don't have it in me... I choke up.....but somehow I keep up the pace..... I tell myself no one is going to hand this to me. now is the time to reach out and take it. It's not going to be another failure.

Just when I would think about being tired I would hear a teammate yell something encouraging, pushing me. more motivation. It's almost over, I think. This is it. You're so close. I pick up my feet, move forward, stay low, breathe. Near the end I hear someone shout that I have five left but I have to move my ***.... so I do. I pick up my feet faster.  I focus on getting the most out of my stride. I begin to tell myself, this is going to be a victory. you are going to do this. this will not be defeat. take it. take it. take it now. you can do this. you are going to cry when it's over... from pride, not defeat. make yourself proud, right now, today.

The last two laps I can tell it's going to be close because everyone is on their feet screaming for me to hurry up.... I can hear them but I remind myself to stay on your feet, don't do anything crazy... sprint to the finish..... I come around that final turn and literally make a run for the finish line throwing myself across helmet first at the end......

I hear cheering and screaming and clapping and I am crying, and coughing, and can hardly breathe. I look up, did I make it?! "5:00 on the nose," a teammate says. "That's the closest I've ever seen anyone come without going over... you fought for every single second, Lucky. I'm so proud of you."

I cry some more and someone helps me to my feet reminding me to take deep breaths. I get hugs and high fives and, "that was awesome's." I feel like a million bucks.... I did this.... against the odds of the day. I took that self doubt and worry and a threw it out the window and chose my own outcome.

This is why I love roller derby.

Some days the victories are smaller... almost unnoticeable.. but they are always there.... and it's all for the taking. I'm lucky to have the chance to play this spectacular sport that suits me so well. I'm lucky to be a part of this team. I'm lucky to have a family who supports this all consuming hobby. I'm lucky to be referred to as an athlete, even as a 31 year old Mom of four. I'm Lucky...

and I will be getting my *** handed to me during Monday nights scrimmages from now on!

Let's Swing

Around these parts we choose which park we're going to visit based on what type of swings it offers. My kids LOVE to swing. They are nuts for it. So naturally I have lots and lots of photos of them doing so....

I'm sure all too soon I'll be looking back on these days with a longing for the time when they would beg me to keep pushing, "higher, higher, high up to the sky, high as it goes Mom!"....

It struck me that I should scrap their favorite activity....

These swing excursions are so funny because Dez is usually perfectly happy hanging out in his stroller while Ev switches from the big girl swings to the baby ones like Goldi-locks. She has yet to find the perfect fit since she finds that the big ones are hard to hold on to, and while she doesn't want to be seen as a baby, she realizes that I will push her MUCH higher in the baby swings.

Then at some point she'll instruct me that Dezmond needs to swing too. "He really, really wants to Mom!"--she points towards him and he just looks at me like, huh? me? what are we talking about?-- So of course I comply and she gives up the baby seat to him (now that's love)... then she tells me I'm not pushing either of them high enough.... he giggles his head off. I push harder but get nervous that they are both going to fall out..... but then I figure if they do at least they'll learn the importance of holding on. ;)

sometimes Nakiah gets in the mix when I drag him to the park as well. He fluctuates between helping push (MOooooM. Do I have to?!) and teaching Ev how to pump her legs. Then he hops in one himself, goes so high he makes the set shake and flings himself off of the thing at top speed.. Sometimes landing on his feet.. Sometimes, not. So that's how it goes. Swings for the win.

October Mini

Thanks to those who left some nice comments on my last post. I'm taking good days with the bad and will continue to do the best I can. (and I'm feeling a bit more sane with Hottie in town) Now back to the scrappy crap :) ....

Each year I make a mini book for October. Think December Daily, but without the daily part.. and the December, obviously. I typically love the time of year. I spookify the house, the kids wear Halloween tshirts and jammies, we wip out The Nightmare Before Christmas and other scary-ish kids movies. We usually even throw some sort of soiree... even if it's just for our little family. Not sure how all of this will play out given our circumstances this year, but I'm ok with that. At the very least I figured I would have lots of shots of the kids in costumes on the 31st.

It's nice to have a place to put them all...

So what I did was create the foundation for pages, adding some embellishments here and there. Once I have photos from the day I will add them in and embellish and journal around them. This way it will be finished rather easily and quickly.

It's fun to be able to compare the albums from year to year too. My what can happen in a year!

Keeping it Real

This whole holding down the fort thing is harder than I expected.. which is quite a statement considering that I expected it to be a total nightmare.

I'm having a really hard time keeping it together.

I cry multiple times a day. I lose my temper. I get really overwhelmed (even more than usual). I don't really want to get dressed or put makeup on. I can't seem to fit a shower in before 11pm.

The days fly by but stand still all at the same time.

If you follow this blog you know that I don't like to be a big Debbie Downer.. at least not on here. This is where I post about the stuff I make and little things that are fun to share about my life... not where I vent until my fingers fall off..... I don't want to bum anyone out. But this is real life.... and I'm giving new meaning to scrapping through it.

Right now I'm on day 7 of Hottie's 8 days in a row working out of town. Even though he's coming home tomorrow (finally. hallelujah. thank you baby jesus, and all that.) I can't seem to snap out of my funk. Maybe it's because I know he has to just turn right around and leave for another 7... and I'm still waiting for our house to sell, so I don't know how long this will go on for.

This week was out of control. It was more than I can handle. I need some things to change so that I can continue to do this for our family. I tried my hardest to be patient and loving with the kids. I gave my all in keeping the house as clean as possible (and then there were no showings. grrrrrrr.) I tried to reach out  when I felt I had no one to talk to, was at the end of my rope. But the truth is it wasn't good enough. I feel like I'm floating on an island.... (oh man. floating on an island alone sounds kind of amazing... I meant that in a totally negative, lonely & desperate kinda way.)

Looking after 4 kids, puppy training, selling a house, worrying about what's next, trying to take care of myself... it's too much. Were there ok moments? Times when I felt like, hey this isn't so bad, I might be able to handle this for a bit.... sure. But then something random would happen and the day would crumble into teeny tiny pieces. I described it yesterday to my older boys, telling them to envision we are a family of dominoes.. if one falls out of line it's going to knock all of us down. Somethings gotta give.

I try to remember this is only temporary. I picture what it will look like once we are settled in OH, together. I remind myself over and over that there are people that have it SO much worse than us. SO much worse. I try to take it one day at a time, not put too much pressure myself. I try to tell myself that I am strong and determined and that I can get through anything. I try. I'm trying. I guess that's the best I can do.

So that's it. Sorry it's such a bummer of a post. I'm just keeping it real. This is whats going on in my life right now. I promise to keep it to fun scrappy stuff and happier family times in the future (mostly)... because I'm pretty sure you don't read blogs to be brought on down to Bummertown. Thanks for listening reading.