Holy Personal, Batman: Weight Addition

Hi there.

Ok. So I haven't posted a real life post in quite awhile.

This usually happens when I've been stewing about something I want to write but don't quite have the balls to yet. Well, I think I found them.. my balls, that is. So before I lose them again I want to let you in on a big part of my life.. and me as a person.. something very few know about. It's what really goes on in my mind.

I don't like my body. Like, at all.
In fact, I really kinda hate my body, if I'm being real.
I think I'm gross.
I'm embarrassed.
I hate photos of myself.
I don't even like to look in the mirror.
It rules life in a lot of ways, this disgust. It's sad.

Now, I'm not saying this because I want you to be all... oh but you look great, or you're pretty, or any of that stuff. I'm not fishing for compliments. and I don't mean to make anyone out there feel bad about themselves because of what I'm saying about me... I'm only sharing because I think maybe there are people out there that feel the same way about themselves. Maybe they are tormented by the same demons and it would help them to not feel alone. (and also, to be accountable for how I'm treating myself.)

I don't want you to think that because I judge myself harshly or think my own body is yuck that I think that about people around me. I have honestly never seen someone and thought any of the horribly negative things about them that play on a loop in my head about myself. I can appreciate curves on other women. I can value them without regard of their size. (as it should be.) I can see their beauty.. judge them only by their character. When it comes to other humans, weight, size, etc.. it's not even on my radar. I have no problem with others. My problem is with me. I'm only cruel and judgmental to myself. I've always been this way.

So here's the real deal:
I have an addiction to sugar that is like, for reals, ridiculous.
I eat way too much fast food.
I consume mostly junk throughout most days.
I am fat.

There really is no surprise that I'm overweight. It's not a mystery. I eat terribly (most of the time) and don't burn enough calories to make up for those poor decisions (yes, even with roller derby). I go through phases where I am focused and dedicated to making better choices and I value how that makes my body and mind feel.. and then I fall into a bag of donuts. I tell myself I'll start again Monday and then gorge and when Monday rolls around.. well, you can guess what happens.

I've spent almost a third of my life now chasing a certain goal weight. Reaching it, feeling amazing and fit... and almost worthy.. and then I self sabotage and gain it back. Over and over and over this happens. You could set your calendar to my chins. I am the queen of yoyo-ing, (not the fun thing on a string kind) and I hate myself for it. I'm disappointed. I'm embarrassed. I don't have control.

Why can't I just get it together already? I am a grown ass woman that knows what it takes to be fit and strong and healthy.... what the heck is wrong with me?! More importantly, why does it make such a difference to me?

Why is my emotional well being so tied into my size?
What does it have to do with my self worth?
If I don't take weight into consideration with others why is it so crucial when it comes to me?

If I'm being really real with myself I can admit that I have deep rooted emotional problems that relate to me being overweight. Things that have manifested from my past and push me to self sabotage every time I get anywhere near weight goals. It's just one of those things that in my damaged brain I think.. when I reach this goal then life will be like this... I will feel like this... I will like myself... I will be my happiest...  If I lose the weight I'll be fine. right? problem solved?

wrong.

I've been there. I've lost all the weight. Nothing changes. My body is healthier but my brain is still sick... so I'm not capable of maintaining the self care. I look in the mirror and see a worthless person (and I will admit have a case of body dysmorphia.)

I think somewhere deep down I think I am not worthy of being happy.. of feeling good when I look in the mirror... of being healthy and taking good care of myself. So the cycle starts over and I feel like a big loser for going off track and gaining and loathing and gaining and loathing and losing and still loathing that I gained in the first place. Big, small, fat, fit, I still hate my body.

Like, what even? Is this what I'm doing with my life?

Avoiding the mirror?
Tugging at my clothes?
Waiting to buy something nice for myself because I'm not the size I hope to be some day?

I am so done.

I am DONE letting this consume me. I am done self shaming and hating what I see in my reflection. (I realize this is not a switch I can flip and just magically like me.. but still, I am making a focused effort to change it.) (although I realize most of this will actually have to happen on the therapists couch)

I want to accept myself. Fully, completely, for exactly who I am in this very moment. Irrelevant of the number on the scale. I want to appreciate what my body is capable of (because it can do some pretty incredible things).


So here is my first attempt at swapping my thinking. . I, Elizabeth Gardner, am, on this here random day in May, stating that I want to love my body.  (that was hard to type. I'm not gonna lie. but I will get better. and it's the first time I've ever written something nice like that so here's to many more..)

I am beautiful and worthy at any size.
on any day.
on every day.

All those negative thoughts about myself are bull. They are not true. They have no more power.
I am enough, just as I am, right now, in this very moment. Size 16 or size 6. Chin or chins.

I'm done with this crap where I see a photo like this of myself and think... ewww. look at how fat my face is. or toss it away because of the double chin.

I want to think.. look how happy I am. Oh that night was so fun, look at that awesome shot of Hottie and I.

I want to see this and think... yes! GET it, girl. You are living your dream out there!
Instead of what I originally thought.. which was holy crap is my stomach really that big? and look at my neck! ew! delete, delete, delete.

NO! Don't delete. Celebrate. I want to force myself to see the beautiful things.. not the flaws. This is my call to action (to myself, really, but hey, why not join me, people?!) I am DONE fat shaming myself. I'm changing my focus to what my body can do in it's current state. How strong and capable I am. How beautiful.. not because of what is happening on the outside.. but because of how I feel and conduct myself on the in. How I love myself, every inch of me. (oh boy. another tough statement that I desperately want to believe.)

This year is all about self love (wrote about that here if you're curious). It doesn't start with weight loss, like I originally thought.. it starts and ends with love... unconditional, all encompassing self love. It's long overdue. The time is now. Thank you for reading and not judging. I appreciate you all.