Resolve

Back in January I talked about how I chose the word "Resolve" as my One Little Word for the year. Honestly I haven't felt a huge connection to the word. I haven't done a lot of work on actively incorporating it into daily life… but it has always been there hanging out in the back of my mind. I chose it for a reason. I've plodded along, one foot in front of the other, taking things a week at a time, sometimes day by day if need be. I've kept in mind that it will take a lot of Resolve to get myself mentally back on track and back to the happy person I used to be. Resolve to turn things around for our family, determination to put us all into a better place physically and mentally. We are taking steps to do that (more on this later). We are headed in the right direction.

Last night was the first time that some of that underlying Resolve came into play. It smacked me right upside the head and I couldn't be happier about it. 

Practice last night was my first opportunity to test into contact and the ability to participate at 100% in my roller derby league since a Grade 2 MCL tear in my left knee. I was nervous. I didn't know what to expect, I was worried that something would go wrong and I wouldn't pass. But I also knew that I had waited for my knee to heal properly and that I was capable of doing any skills that I might be challenged with, so I pushed on. I was able to test in with flying colors. It felt amazing and I was so happy to be back in full capacity, feeling no pain, doing all of the derby things that I love so dearly….

but that's not the part that I'm really meaning to share…. the coolest thing happened. Bear with me…

So before the injury, three months ago, I would play derby and sometimes I would find myself in the right place at the right time, or sometimes I would hit a person perfectly, or do a cool thing that I didn't even know I could do… but these things were fleeting, glimpses into what the game could be for me. Mostly it was just a blur every time I stepped onto the track. This sport is insane.. there are a lot of nuances and a surprising amount of strategy. I've heard it described as "playing Chess while bricks are thrown at you"….When I decided to try out initially I really knew nothing about the game and so I was learning as I went, on top of trying to master all of the incredibly difficult skating skills that playing entails. I wasn't really understanding what was going on around me, I was just kinda there… trying my best. 

This is where the Resolve comes in…..

When I was injured and learned that I would be out for a few months I decided firmly to make something good come out of it. I wasn't sure how to make that happen, or what it would be, but I wasn't going to just sit around and feel sorry for myself. I was going to become better in some way… I felt like I was losing so much precious time that I could have used to strengthen my skills, become a better skater, etc… but something else happened instead….

I began to understand the game.

It's thrilling. Ever since my injury I've been attending every single Travel Team, Home Team (I'm on two teams), and Scrimmage that I possibly could. I listened attentively and stuck by the Coaches sides. I payed attention when the whistle was blown and everyone stopped to talk about what just worked and why, and what should be improved upon and how. I Resolved to become a sponge. I wasn't able to get in there and work on things physically but I could see them happening. I was taking it in and everything was becoming clearer. I began to see things happening as the coaches were.. I understood all of the sudden why the whistle was blown.. more and more I could see missed opportunities and epic little moves by my teammates that would have gone unnoticed to me in the past . 

About a month ago things just clicked. I totally, 100% get it.

And now I can totally, 100% play. I was a little worried that this newfound knowledge wouldn't translate to the track… sure I can understand who needs to do what and be where, when, from the sidelines… but would I be able to do that in the thick of things?… add roller-skates to just about anything and it makes it ten times harder. Last night I got my answer. During scrimmage I had more awareness on the track then I have ever had before, easily. I was able to yell to my teammates, put myself in the right positions (most of the time), and most importantly understand fully what was going on around me the entire time I was there. 

So that's what my Resolve has earned for me as it pertains to derby… I made up my mind to do something, even though I couldn't "do" what I wanted to be doing at the time, and it served me well. I will come out of this injury a better player than I maybe ever would have been without it… and I can't even begin to explain how empowering that feels. What I've learned in 3 months of dedication from the sidelines can never be taken from me, by injury or anything else. To turn something that was so frustrating a debilitating in my life around to be a positive… well, I'm beginning to see just how powerful something like Resolve could be in all aspects of my life… and I will be more actively putting that into practice. Can you imagine the possibilities?