Monday, September 15, 2014

Me Series: July/August

In the grand scheme of things I lost track of sharing my me series pages from the past two months. So I thought I'd share them today. I don't know if I'll get a chance to do the September one since the move is 8 days away (AH! EIGHT DAYZZ!).

For these pages I keep it really true to how I'm feeling on the day I make each layout. So at this time I was feeling really raw and ready to share what's been going on. That's the whole point of the me series… it's not always pretty or happy go lucky.. it's just a little snapshot into my life at the moment. 

If you want to read a little more about why I'm doing this series or see my other pages here are the links: JAN//FEB//MARCH//APRIL//MAY//JUNE 

A little update with me: 

Last week I saw my general practitioner to talk to him about my depression. I'm not gonna lie. it. was. tough. He asked me a lot of in depth questions about exactly what it is I'm experiencing, how long it's been going on, and how I would like to approach getting back to normal. I'll admit I had been dreading the visit with him… it's a really intimidating and embarrassing thing to talk about (I want to be really clear here… I don't think anyone who has depression should be embarrassed.. I'm just saying that for whatever reason I was.. shoot, probably part of the depression, right?)

The thing that was most difficult about approaching a doctor was the inevitable opening of the emotional floodgates.. just owning it like that… and when you seek out a professional for help like I did you are in a position where you have to talk about it honestly and openly. That felt odd to me because I've spent a lot of time trying to push it aside and telling myself that it would go away or I would snap out of it or everything's fine.. and then there I was, admitting that that's just not the case…asking for help to feel like myself again.

In the end it turned out to be a really great thing that he was the one I talked to. He just "got it." He said so many perfect things to me… including "it's NOT your fault…." several times. He said that I didn't choose to be depressed and that I also can't just choose to stop being that way. He told me he sees me for what I am… "a brave, strong woman who can no longer carry the burden of dealing with this incredible sadness while muddling through the day to day tasks required of a Mom and wife." 

He told me a lot of good information about depression.. how it's that feeling of merely existing instead of fully living… going through the motions.. not enjoying things in life anymore that I typically would before.. short temper… impatience.. less self control… losing any sense of hope. He explained what I've been feeling to a tee. 

He also gave me some great advice on how to choose a therapist. It's important that I find someone who will help steer me in the right direction and help me see things in ways I may not have seen them before.. not just someone who will listen and pat me on the back. I need someone who can help me deal with the emotional baggage so that I can move towards happiness again. Saturday I saw a therapist for the first time and although it was uncomfortable it was sort of fine too. I think it will be a good thing down the road and I intend to stick with it. 

In the mean time I'm preparing for this upcoming move, roller derby started back up again, and the kids are in full swing at school. So I'm busy, busy, busy. Just wanted to let you all know that although I'm in the thick of it now I am making real steps towards getting out. I feel good about facing my problem head on and working on a solution. So that's me, right now. Thanks for stopping by. :)

Sunday, September 7, 2014

American Crafts August Gallery

These are my last two projects for American Crafts. They were on the AC blog last week but I wanted to share them with you here too...

The lines on this patterned paper inspired me to sew in alternating colors… I like the way it adds visual interest as well as texture.

and heres one about my hair… with just about everything in my stash thrown in…

PS. Maybe you already noticed, but I decided to go for the pink.

I wimped out a little and did the ombre instead of bleaching my entire head… but I've already made up my mind to do the whole thing next time… and even though there are about 10 colors I'd still like to try I think I might even stay pink for awhile. I'm loving how vibrant it's staying. 

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Paper Camellia September

As promised, here are the three layouts I made using the September Everyday Life Kit...

For this last one I did add wood veneer, a paper clip, bow and clothespin. I love using up every last piece of my kit and using a bit of my stash to round out the last layout helps.

Thanks for stopping by. Head on over to the Paper Camellia blog and see what the rest of the design team came up with. 

Monday, September 1, 2014

Paper Camellia September Kit Reveal

Now for your regularly scheduled programing….

It's Paper Camellia reveal day. These kits sell like hotcakes so my advice to you is to subscribe so you can be sure to get your hands on one. Seriously, Ria does such an amazing job picking out the contents. Both the traditional Scrapbook Kit, and the Everyday Life kit are wonderful every single month. You really can't go wrong with either of these on your doorstep.

Here are the Pocket Pages that I made this month…

July 14th to 20th

Right side...

Left side...

 Here's a little close up...

July 28th to August 3rd

Left Side...

Right Side...

A couple of close ups..

Pretty cool kit, huh? I had enough of it left over to make three traditional 12x12 layouts. I'll share those soon. Thanks for stopping by.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

thank you

I just wanted to take some time today to express my gratitude. To say I am floored by the outpouring of comments, care, and concern, would be an understatement. I felt all warm and fuzzy reading your supportive words. I know it's not something that people often blog about openly, and I really appreciate your kindness, and understanding.

Writing that post felt scary but also strangely cathartic. Like I was coming clean with something. Like giving the monkey on my back an eviction notice.

I want to re-assure anyone that might be worried about my well being… My husband has promised to make an appointment with a therapist in our area for me. Once I explain what's going on to her we'll work together to figure out a medication and/or plan to get me back on track with feeling normal.

I also want to tell you that although I have no doubt that I'm clinically depressed and need help I've never had any thoughts of hurting myself or those around me. That's just not one of my issues. I don't want anyone to worry about that with me.

I know I am loved. I know people care about me. I know that there is a lot to be happy about.. and I plan to take care of myself, with the help of my husband… & take the steps I need to to be myself again and live life to the fullest.

I promise to give you updates here and there on my progress. I would like to go back to blogging as usual too. It feels good to be able to share my projects and random bits of life, so I will continue to do those things. Thanks again, your support and advice means the world to me.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

so here's the thing...

I've been thinking about writing this post for a long time. At least a month. A lot of things have held me back… I like to keep it light and fun around here, I don't think I'm great at expressing my feelings with writing (it comes of scattered), I don't want to be judged, I don't want people to think I've been hiding things or trying to paint a rosy picture when in reality…. it's not roses most of the time right now…

but there comes a time when none of the above really matters. A time when I just have to get out what I've been feeling and going through. I have to share my story because it's part of me.. good, bad, or ugly, this is my life and my reality right now….

So here goes nothing. I am depressed. 

Not just, oh man this is a bad day or week and I'm pretty bummed out about it. Full blown, deep and dark depression. I'd like to say it came out of nowhere but the truth is it's been creeping in for awhile now. For the past month it's become worse and worse and now I'm to the point where I need help. I need a counselor and probably medication. Not probably. I really, really think I need help with medication. 

I'm just not myself anymore. I find it hard to smile. I'm impatient with the kids. I find it extremely hard to take care of myself. I don't feel lovable or even likable right now. I cry daily. I don't even recognize the person in the mirror any more. I don't like that girl, where did she come from? Sometimes I find it hard to get out of bed… I swear, if I didn't have kids and obligations with them I probably wouldn't get out of bed at all.

I've dealt with brief bouts of depression in the past… had my run ins with the blues that last a little longer than I'd like.. it's something that runs in our family. I know it well. But in the past I've always been able snap myself out of it in one way or another. 

I try to keep things into perspective. Sure our family has gone through hell this year.. but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We are so close to rebuilding things…. I have my health, my kids, the love of my life… I know, I so know all of that. I remind myself daily that it's ALL that matters. I tell myself that everyone alive has problems, great and small. There are people out there dealing with more struggle than I could even begin to comprehend. I know that too. Absolutely. But somehow right now it doesn't help.

For awhile leading up to this I was making a painstaking effort to snap myself out of what I knew was coming. If I felt down or negative I would do something for myself. I'd text a family member or send an email to someone in my life to tell them how wonderful and important they are. I'd buy myself a fancy coffee. I'd spend extra time with the dog. I'd pick out a movie or do something involving the new house. I'd blog and work on my goals. I'd scrapbook and focus on the good things in life, the happy little moments and memories. It would work for a time, even though it was taking a lot of work. It was working, a little. Like a tiny bandaid plastered over a gaping wound..  

but not anymore. There is no snapping-out of this. The depression is palpable. 

I can't see the forest through the trees. I'm in the thick of it. Sure I have good moments. Times when I can laugh. Things I can post on Instagram. Moments when I see glimpses of my former self.. but I'm telling you it is shocking how infrequent they are. It's like my reality has flopped places… I have as many "good" days as I used to have "bad" days. I hate it.

For some reason I finally decided to share it here on my silly little scrapbook blog… it felt like it was time I owned it. It's why if you're a family member I probably haven't answered your calls, or made any effort to call you. It's why if you're my husband I've questioned why you would continue to love me through this when I am at my worst, over and over. It's why if you're my kid you wonder what the heck is wrong with Mommy… and I am so truly and deeply sorry for those things. Please believe me, if I could fix them right now I would.

I don't know if anyone will even really read this… I guess I just wanted to share with anyone who stops by to check in on what I'm up to. I guess I don't even know why.. maybe it's my way of reaching out.. making the first step to getting help.. maybe I just want you all to know that I am trying so desperately to be happy again. To get myself back to normal… even if you didn't really know that anything was wrong. 

I'm grateful for so many things in my life. We have a long list of things to be happy about.. and I intend on getting to a place where I can start doing that again very soon. 

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

First Day Of School

Welp. It's that time again. Time to send the kiddos off to their new schools. I'm excited to see the school year begin (because it means I'm FREEEEEEEEE! J/k..but it does mean I have a couple of sweet, sweet hours a day where it is just Dez and I.) It also means that I morph from stay at home Mom to taxi cab Mom. This first month of school I'll be shuttling them around until we move into our new digs. I'm in the car at 7am, 9am, 12pm, 2pm and somewhere in between to take Aidan to and from work. Ah the things we do for our kids.

This dude was looking forward to beginning the 7th grade. He loves a fresh start. I hope he has the best year yet. He deserves it….

Middle school moment: "Mom, seriously, how many photos do you need, it's like 6 in the morning."

Evareaux has been looking forward to Kindergarten for the past two years. No joke. I guess it comes with the territory when you have older sibling and you are convinced that school is the coolest thing ever. 

"Hey Evareaux, are your ready to go to your first day of Kindergarten?"

The only person not loving this whole back to school thing is Dezmond. Poor kid. Each day when we drop Evareaux off he becomes heart broken all over again. As soon as she leaves his side and walks into the classroom he just loses it and tries to chase her. Then I scoop him up and carry my wailing baby through the school in order to leave. The way he cries about her you'd think he was losing a limb. Maybe one of these days he'll realize it's ok to be stuck with Mommy… then again, probably not. ;)