Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Holy Personal, Batman: Weight Addition

Hi there.

Ok. So I haven't posted a real life post in quite awhile.

This usually happens when I've been stewing about something I want to write but don't quite have the balls to yet. Well, I think I found them.. my balls, that is. So before I lose them again I want to let you in on a big part of my life.. and me as a person.. something very few know about. It's what really goes on in my mind.

I don't like my body. Like, at all.
In fact, I really kinda hate my body, if I'm being real.
I think I'm gross.
I'm embarrassed.
I hate photos of myself.
I don't even like to look in the mirror.
It rules life in a lot of ways, this disgust. It's sad.

Now, I'm not saying this because I want you to be all... oh but you look great, or you're pretty, or any of that stuff. I'm not fishing for compliments. and I don't mean to make anyone out there feel bad about themselves because of what I'm saying about me... I'm only sharing because I think maybe there are people out there that feel the same way about themselves. Maybe they are tormented by the same demons and it would help them to not feel alone. (and also, to be accountable for how I'm treating myself.)

I don't want you to think that because I judge myself harshly or think my own body is yuck that I think that about people around me. I have honestly never seen someone and thought any of the horribly negative things about them that play on a loop in my head about myself. I can appreciate curves on other women. I can value them without regard of their size. (as it should be.) I can see their beauty.. judge them only by their character. When it comes to other humans, weight, size, etc.. it's not even on my radar. I have no problem with others. My problem is with me. I'm only cruel and judgmental to myself. I've always been this way.

So here's the real deal:
I have an addiction to sugar that is like, for reals, ridiculous.
I eat way too much fast food.
I consume mostly junk throughout most days.
I am fat.

There really is no surprise that I'm overweight. It's not a mystery. I eat terribly (most of the time) and don't burn enough calories to make up for those poor decisions (yes, even with roller derby). I go through phases where I am focused and dedicated to making better choices and I value how that makes my body and mind feel.. and then I fall into a bag of donuts. I tell myself I'll start again Monday and then gorge and when Monday rolls around.. well, you can guess what happens.

I've spent almost a third of my life now chasing a certain goal weight. Reaching it, feeling amazing and fit... and almost worthy.. and then I self sabotage and gain it back. Over and over and over this happens. You could set your calendar to my chins. I am the queen of yoyo-ing, (not the fun thing on a string kind) and I hate myself for it. I'm disappointed. I'm embarrassed. I don't have control.

Why can't I just get it together already? I am a grown ass woman that knows what it takes to be fit and strong and healthy.... what the heck is wrong with me?! More importantly, why does it make such a difference to me?

Why is my emotional well being so tied into my size?
What does it have to do with my self worth?
If I don't take weight into consideration with others why is it so crucial when it comes to me?

If I'm being really real with myself I can admit that I have deep rooted emotional problems that relate to me being overweight. Things that have manifested from my past and push me to self sabotage every time I get anywhere near weight goals. It's just one of those things that in my damaged brain I think.. when I reach this goal then life will be like this... I will feel like this... I will like myself... I will be my happiest...  If I lose the weight I'll be fine. right? problem solved?

wrong.

I've been there. I've lost all the weight. Nothing changes. My body is healthier but my brain is still sick... so I'm not capable of maintaining the self care. I look in the mirror and see a worthless person (and I will admit have a case of body dysmorphia.)

I think somewhere deep down I think I am not worthy of being happy.. of feeling good when I look in the mirror... of being healthy and taking good care of myself. So the cycle starts over and I feel like a big loser for going off track and gaining and loathing and gaining and loathing and losing and still loathing that I gained in the first place. Big, small, fat, fit, I still hate my body.

Like, what even? Is this what I'm doing with my life?

Avoiding the mirror?
Tugging at my clothes?
Waiting to buy something nice for myself because I'm not the size I hope to be some day?

I am so done.

I am DONE letting this consume me. I am done self shaming and hating what I see in my reflection. (I realize this is not a switch I can flip and just magically like me.. but still, I am making a focused effort to change it.) (although I realize most of this will actually have to happen on the therapists couch)

I want to accept myself. Fully, completely, for exactly who I am in this very moment. Irrelevant of the number on the scale. I want to appreciate what my body is capable of (because it can do some pretty incredible things).


So here is my first attempt at swapping my thinking. . I, Elizabeth Gardner, am, on this here random day in May, stating that I want to love my body.  (that was hard to type. I'm not gonna lie. but I will get better. and it's the first time I've ever written something nice like that so here's to many more..)

I am beautiful and worthy at any size.
on any day.
on every day.

All those negative thoughts about myself are bull. They are not true. They have no more power.
I am enough, just as I am, right now, in this very moment. Size 16 or size 6. Chin or chins.

I'm done with this crap where I see a photo like this of myself and think... ewww. look at how fat my face is. or toss it away because of the double chin.


I want to think.. look how happy I am. Oh that night was so fun, look at that awesome shot of Hottie and I.

I want to see this and think... yes! GET it, girl. You are living your dream out there!
Instead of what I originally thought.. which was holy crap is my stomach really that big? and look at my neck! ew! delete, delete, delete.


NO! Don't delete. Celebrate. I want to force myself to see the beautiful things.. not the flaws. This is my call to action (to myself, really, but hey, why not join me, people?!) I am DONE fat shaming myself. I'm changing my focus to what my body can do in it's current state. How strong and capable I am. How beautiful.. not because of what is happening on the outside.. but because of how I feel and conduct myself on the in. How I love myself, every inch of me. (oh boy. another tough statement that I desperately want to believe.)

This year is all about self love (wrote about that here if you're curious). It doesn't start with weight loss, like I originally thought.. it starts and ends with love... unconditional, all encompassing self love. It's long overdue. The time is now. Thank you for reading and not judging. I appreciate you all.

15 comments:

  1. You are amazing! The fact that you present your vulnerabilities for us blog readers to see shows that. I love your honesty and find it so refreshing and relateable. I sincerely hope you find the self-love that you are searching for and deserve!

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    1. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

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  2. I can totally relate to what you are writing. I often have to remind myself that this is the life we've got and that we better enjoy every second of it ... but for me too it is always easier to find the flaws, to point out the negative, to not enjoy myself but to be doubtful. Sending hugs, Tanja

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    1. Hugs right back at you, Tanja. Lets enjoy what we can and let go of the rest.

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  3. I love your honesty, vulnerability and the fact that you're giving yourself another chance along with all the self love and positive talk. Go You Go!

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  4. The four things you mentioned: "I have an addiction to sugar, I eat way too much fast food, I consume mostly junk throughout most days, I am fat"...Shit, girl. I feel you SO HARD. I am completely and totally addicted to sugar. I fucking love it so damn much. (as I sit at the computer sucking down sweet tea). I have gone extended amounts of time without it but the moment I get the taste of that sweet, sweet sugar I am donzo. I can't stop eating it again. doesn't matter that I feel AMAZING when I have all that crap out of my system.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings (today and always). Not everyone would admit these things, even though many feel the same way. That takes guts, my friend!

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    1. Thanks, Laurie. It's nice to know I'm not alone... even though I know the struggle is real! (dang donuts in the break room!!!!) I'm glad you've been here for all of my super honest posts. It's always nice to read your supportive comments.

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    2. Thanks, Laurie. It's nice to know I'm not alone... even though I know the struggle is real! (dang donuts in the break room!!!!) I'm glad you've been here for all of my super honest posts. It's always nice to read your supportive comments.

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  5. Elizabeth, thank you so much for writing this and sharing yourself and your struggles so openly. You may have an addiction to sugar (like me!), but you are anything but saccharine, and I dig that about you. Lately I've been thinking along the same wavelength, and I am trying to do something about it, but it's so freaking hard, especially when food tastes so GOOD. I don't want to look like a supermodel -- in fact, I've decided to get healthier without ever looking at a scale. The change I'm after is less about how I LOOK and more about how I feel, and I just need to remember that. Sending my love and support to you!

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    1. Thank you! You are so right. Not focusing on the scale makes a huge difference in the process. That is such a silly, unimportant number anyway.

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  6. I am not sure what to say but I just want to thank you for how honest and real you are and for the gosh darn truth that this post has in it!! We are ALL to hard on ourselves and think we will be happier when... I have been put on a restrictive diet for some health issues and I HATE IT!!! But i am so grateful to know you (through this blog) and have the blessing of feeling your honesty and your writing skills are AMAZEBALLS!!! Thank you!!

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    1. Taunya, I feel like you and I are old friends. I appreciate your support and comments, always. Thank you!

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  7. Hi, friend! This post made me tear up. I can relate completely!! I went through something like this over the past year and am still constantly growing, learning, and falling more in love with myself. I love you so much and I'm so excited for you to come to love everything about you because you deserve it. Please don't think twice to pick up the phone and call me or text me or whatever you need when you're struggling AND when you're celebrating!! I recently read a book by Louise Hay called You Can Heal Your Life and it was both simplistic and perfect. Accepting yourself is empowering and as weird as it feels, it gets easier!! Anyway, I love you bunches! Enjoy your journey, babe!! :)

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    1. Kurtzy! I love your guts. I know you have all of these feels and I love that you have taken steps to change this unhealthy thinking. I have to check out that book, for sure. AND I'm super excited to hear that the self empowering gets easier. It is such an internal battle right now. I look forward to it coming more naturally. I guess just like anything thats worth doing in life... it takes some hard work and practice.

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