I've been thinking about writing this post for a long time. At least a month. A lot of things have held me back… I like to keep it light and fun around here, I don't think I'm great at expressing my feelings with writing (it comes of scattered), I don't want to be judged, I don't want people to think I've been hiding things or trying to paint a rosy picture when in reality…. it's not roses most of the time right now…
but there comes a time when none of the above really matters. A time when I just have to get out what I've been feeling and going through. I have to share my story because it's part of me.. good, bad, or ugly, this is my life and my reality right now….
So here goes nothing. I am depressed.
Not just, oh man this is a bad day or week and I'm pretty bummed out about it. Full blown, deep and dark depression. I'd like to say it came out of nowhere but the truth is it's been creeping in for awhile now. For the past month it's become worse and worse and now I'm to the point where I need help. I need a counselor and probably medication. Not probably. I really, really think I need help with medication.
I'm just not myself anymore. I find it hard to smile. I'm impatient with the kids. I find it extremely hard to take care of myself. I don't feel lovable or even likable right now. I cry daily. I don't even recognize the person in the mirror any more. I don't like that girl, where did she come from? Sometimes I find it hard to get out of bed… I swear, if I didn't have kids and obligations with them I probably wouldn't get out of bed at all.
I've dealt with brief bouts of depression in the past… had my run ins with the blues that last a little longer than I'd like.. it's something that runs in our family. I know it well. But in the past I've always been able snap myself out of it in one way or another.
I try to keep things into perspective. Sure our family has gone through hell this year.. but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We are so close to rebuilding things…. I have my health, my kids, the love of my life… I know, I so know all of that. I remind myself daily that it's ALL that matters. I tell myself that everyone alive has problems, great and small. There are people out there dealing with more struggle than I could even begin to comprehend. I know that too. Absolutely. But somehow right now it doesn't help.
For awhile leading up to this I was making a painstaking effort to snap myself out of what I knew was coming. If I felt down or negative I would do something for myself. I'd text a family member or send an email to someone in my life to tell them how wonderful and important they are. I'd buy myself a fancy coffee. I'd spend extra time with the dog. I'd pick out a movie or do something involving the new house. I'd blog and work on my goals. I'd scrapbook and focus on the good things in life, the happy little moments and memories. It would work for a time, even though it was taking a lot of work. It was working, a little. Like a tiny bandaid plastered over a gaping wound..
but not anymore. There is no snapping-out of this. The depression is palpable.
I can't see the forest through the trees. I'm in the thick of it. Sure I have good moments. Times when I can laugh. Things I can post on Instagram. Moments when I see glimpses of my former self.. but I'm telling you it is shocking how infrequent they are. It's like my reality has flopped places… I have as many "good" days as I used to have "bad" days. I hate it.
For some reason I finally decided to share it here on my silly little scrapbook blog… it felt like it was time I owned it. It's why if you're a family member I probably haven't answered your calls, or made any effort to call you. It's why if you're my husband I've questioned why you would continue to love me through this when I am at my worst, over and over. It's why if you're my kid you wonder what the heck is wrong with Mommy… and I am so truly and deeply sorry for those things. Please believe me, if I could fix them right now I would.
I don't know if anyone will even really read this… I guess I just wanted to share with anyone who stops by to check in on what I'm up to. I guess I don't even know why.. maybe it's my way of reaching out.. making the first step to getting help.. maybe I just want you all to know that I am trying so desperately to be happy again. To get myself back to normal… even if you didn't really know that anything was wrong.
I'm grateful for so many things in my life. We have a long list of things to be happy about.. and I intend on getting to a place where I can start doing that again very soon.