Ok. So. Time for a little mental health update. (it's ok if that sentence was enough to make you click onto the next blog.. if not, hey! thanks for reading on! haha) I've been sharing here and there how challenging the past several months have been. It seems like ever since the day Hottie was promoted to a store out of state our lives have been dramatically different, in a very negative way. I haven't written about everything that's been going on.. or explained many of the details… and I still won't for now. But it's been hard. I've been hanging by a very delicate thread. I'm a shadow of my former self, and I kinda liked that girl, I want her back.
A few nights ago I told Hottie that I feel like we are being continually tested. Things just keep piling on. Everything just gets worse. There is hurdle after hurdle and a lot of them leave us suspended in the air, trying desperately to clear, but there we are frozen in time waiting to sail over to safety.. (probably a terrible analogy, but you get the idea.) Life is in limbo, everything is uncertain.
That being said, over the past two weeks I was actually managing to cope with things a bit better. I had maintained some perspective, was more patient, less stressed. I felt for the first time in a long time like things would pan out ok if we just hung in there and waited it out. One of my Facebook friends shared this on their wall randomly (8 Things to Remember When Everything Goes Wrong) and it really resonated with me. I agree with a lot of things in the post and going through the days with these thoughts in mind totally helped me deal.
and I'm still dealing…. but we have another test because on Thursday night during a roller derby scrimmage I tore a ligament in my knee. When I fell and watched my leg go in the wrong direction and heard it pop I knew something was terribly wrong.. but I just calmly laid there, waiting for a medical assessment and help off of the track. I remained calm. I didn't cry from pain or frustration (although that came later, admittedly.). I just waited. I waited for the emotions to build, assumed that any moment I would want to explode (because you know, it HURT and I knew it would be a huge set back.) but I sat there calmly, knowing that exploding would not help in any way. I breathed deeply and waited for a plan.
One of the things that all of these set backs and challenges has taught me is patience. Could I be mad at the world (some more)? Sure I could. I actually vocalized earlier in the week that while all that we are dealing with is super stressful and frustrating, at least I have my health.. and now an injury. It's going to effect my ability to take care of my family. It's going to take time and money to fix. It's going to hurt, a lot, for a long while. I'm going to have to wait to get back on skates with my team and continue the bonding process. I'm going to lose a lot of the strength and conditioning I've worked so hard to achieve. But you know what, I don't have control over any of that stuff. All of that will play out the way it's meant to...
I'm going to have to put my big girl panties on and move forward…. deal. I have control of the way I look at this injury, just like the way I handle the issues in the rest of my life. I have to take care of myself. Ask for help (a LOT of help). Be patient. Be nice to myself (even though my typical reaction would be to beat myself up over and over for costing this family so much because I want to play some silly sport). Take the recovery one day at a time. Wait to heal. Start over. Do my best. Rest. That's all I can do.
This injury is a set back. Life is made of these… I'm learning that it's how you handle them that determines your happiness and the course of your future. This is an opportunity to show my kids strength and resilience… a chance for them to step up to the plate a help because I simply can't do things right now. So. That's where I'm at right now, mentally. Hopefully I will be able to keep this frame of mind long enough to clear some major hurdles.
(Also want to clarify that I tore my MCL, a ligament in the knee. It will not require surgery, which is awesome news… and I will be back on skate in 6 weeks… walking in the next two without crutches. It is a fairly minor, considering it's a knee injury (although it does NOT feel minor right now with the amount of pain I'm in.))